Lessons Of A Changeling
There has been an insightful theme of some sort brewing in the back of my mind for a long while now. Sometimes certain thoughts or underdeveloped ideas we have are like little dust-bunny thoughts. You let them sit there and they have a way of collecting more dust and getting bigger on their own. You can’t force such “dust-bunny” thoughts to form by thinking, intellectualizing, philosophizing, or articulating; since most of the time you are only partially aware of them in a mindless, wordless way.
It’s like the feeling and phenomenon of having a word “at the tip of our tongue,” as we say; which just won’t “come out.” If you’ve ever been Mindful of those moments when you have a word or thought that just won’t come out, you’ll notice that the Essence of the thought is there in a pure wordless, thoughtless way, but you just can’t find the exoteric string of letters and the vocalization to express them in. Then after awhile the word pops in your head and you’re like: “Aha! That’s the word!” That’s kind of like what one of these “dust-bunny” thoughts are like. If you’ve ever had one, then you’ll just intuitively “know” what I am trying to talk about. You just have to let the dust-bunnies sit there and collect “idea-dust” [memes] on its own.
So I’ve had this hazy, half formed dust-bunny thought lingering in the back of my brain for a few months now. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it or figure out what the idea was. So I just left it alone to grow. It’s fascinating – for me – to quietly and Mindfully observe one of these dust-bunny thoughts form and coalesce into a full blown big idea that adds insight to how I see things. Usually the dust-bunny thought will poke at me to write, and it’ll induce in me that “twilight-zone” mood or “place.” If you’re an artist, musician, or writer, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to say when I say that “twilight-zone” state of mind. It’s that state of mind where your conscious mind is dazed or in some sort of semitrance state, and The Idea or The Image or The Music that has been fermenting beneath just flows out!
So after I write in such a state of mind, I have to reread the writing a couple times over to actually fully consciously know what I just wrote, and when I do that some words, or lines, will jump out at me and those become the “idea-dust” that collects to my dust-bunny thought.
Another way my dust-bunny thoughts collects dust is by bugging me with “hunches,” urges, or strong impulses to stop what I’m doing and go to the bookstore or surf the internet in a spaced out state of mind. This happens so often, I don’t even question it any more or fight the impulse.
I have a personal home library of about 1000 books, and I bought 80% of them under the influence of relentless dust-bunny thought hunches and impulses, but they all were coincidently relevant to the topics I was researching at the time. For example this one time my family took their car and my car somewhere and Kayla was not home, so I was by myself in the morning with out a car. I had gone into the kitchen to make me some cinnamon flavoured oatmeal [I like oatmeal]. As it was heating in the microwave this picture of a bookstore I drove past a week earlier popped into my head. I quickly stopped the thought and said [to myself]: “No!”
So I sat down with my hot oatmeal in the morning, but I couldn’t eat because the thought of the bookstore popped back up with a strong impulse to go to it. I was assessing the distance. It was right by the freeway bridge, clear across the other side of the city! But I “reasoned” to myself – or something fooled me into thinking: “But when I drive to that freeway bridge it only takes a minute?” So I left my oatmeal, put on my sneakers in a semidazed state of mind, and left the house at 10 AM without eating breakfast, and I forgot my phone because I was so out of it.
I fucking didn’t get to the damn bookstore until 3PM! I had to stop at ever single gas station along the way to buy a snack and a drink to refuel myself. It was in the summer, so I was perspiring [gracefully] like a water buffalo. I finally made it to the damn bookstore which was air conditioned, and I just walked to the nearest quiet aisle I could find to rest my ass. As I was sitting there cooling off, I was chattering to myself in my mind: “My god, it only takes a minute to drive! I thought I was in shape. How the hell am I supposed to hike 50 miles with a back pack on when this walk kicked my ass?”
So some fat lady walked into the aisle I was sitting in, and I grabbed a book in front of me that caught my eye so I won’t look crazy just sitting there thinking to myself. I was just going to pretend to read the book, but I actually did read the first page and skimmed through the rest. To my amazement, the information in the book was the missing puzzle peace to a long fermenting dust-bunny thought I had which gave sense to everything. So I got up and bought the book and I walked back home happy. On the way back I suddenly realized I walked 5 hours to spend 3 minutes in a bookstore and I only bought one book. I made it home at 8PM in the evening, just before everyone got home. I figured I’d keep my day’s event to myself, just incase people thought I was absolutely crazy.
The Nature Of Change
I have always had various ideas about change and impermanence floating around in my head. But those ideas never coalesced into anything revelatory or insightful. This concept of constant change has been a dust-bunny thought slowly collecting idea-dust in my mind for a few months now, and just today I coincidently reread something David Myatt had written just a few days ago, which locked everything in place – like a missing puzzle piece – and made an insightful idea out of the fermenting thought.
The document I reread was “The Culture of Arete” by David Myatt. I had read it several times before but nothing jumped out at me. The reason why I reread it again was because I was simply placing a new article Anton Long just wrote just above it, so I thought I’d go back and reread The Culture of Arete for something I find fascinating, in a good way and in a humourous way too. There is a little peace in this document where David Myatt finally in plain English, tells the reader that he has distanced himself from Al-Islam and has returned to working on his Numinous Way. I get a laugh out of that, as one would if you got an inside joke [not to be disrespectful or anything].
This time when I read the document it was different, because just the other day I had read somewhere on line how some mundane with such passion and conviction stated like he was some authority who took a four year college course on David Myatt’s life, that David Myatt is Muslim! And I had this urge to do the usual reaction and inform this mundane peasant who is blinded by his own convictions and assumptions that perhaps David Myatt has changed, and I thought I’d leave a link to this document in question. But I didn’t. My mind was drifting off into that half dazed twilight zone as I was pondering on the oddity that is David Myatt [DM].
I remember during these past few years when I was frustrated over how DM was like a fly that never stayed in one place long enough for you to swat him, to peg him down to one label, one easy to understand “thing.” There were times when you would observe DM being Muslim one day, then the next he is back to his Numinous Way with all of his Islamic sites displaying Numinous Way stuff. Then two days later all of a sudden the sites are all Islamic again, and he’s writing Jihadi stuff all over again. And so there were times when I felt like ringing his neck and saying: “Would you please just stay in one spot so I can See and Understand you better.” But this was a mundane reaction.
So rereading that made me realize that there are people out there who still believe that DM was or still is Muslim. And there are some of “us” who may know differently. That got me thinking about sunyata [impermanence] of people and all things. This is an idea I have which has been scratching the surface of my mind for a long time, but it never sank in deep or was intimately meaningful, until now.
In a very mundane way of thinking and seeing the world, we base our perception of things on faulty foundations, on fallacious assumptions that the people, world, and information we see and observe are Permanent monolithic “things” that don’t change. As if to build a structure on a sandy beach, ignorant about how the ebb and flow of the tide constantly washes away that sand.
Such as the theory of evolution. In a mundane way, we want to believe that this theory is Permanent, monolithic, set in stone, and does not change. Because seeing it in such a way gives us a superficial sense of security or feeling that we are standing on solid ground and truly understands the world and reality we exist in. And it makes us feel very uneasy to except the fact that evolution is just a theory, one which may make since to us NOW, but science is progressive and changes with and in time; it could be invalid later. It makes us feel uneasy because we lose that superficial sense of security, that sense that we have reality in our mundane grasp, which vanishes. And deep inside we know we truly know nothing and that most of the Cosmos and reality is still Dark to us. And that Darkness; that feeling or knowing that we exist in an unknown ‘world’ that is always beyond our grasp and which we have no real understanding of is frightening and unsettling. Especially to an insecure creature who feels worse about itself just saying the words: “I don’t know.”
In a Mundane way, we never really notice that so many of our thoughts, our ideas, our convictions, our worldviews, our beliefs, are based on this fallacious assumption that things are Permanent monolithic things which never changes, which we can hold onto, to “build” a [subjective] world out of. When in reality [objective] all things, all people, and all ideas are in a constant state of flux, becoming, and change.
There is a quote from Lewis Carroll’s “Through The Looking Glass,” which I like, where the Red Queen says: “It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place.” Which at once expresses the essence of change, impermanence, time, and Nature succinctly and intuitively.
As soon as you think you’ve gained an understanding of modern science, it changes. As soon as you think you’ve fully understand your boyfriend or girlfriend, they change. It only takes one generation for a liberal to be a conservative. Just when you think you’re cool and updated, you’re old and outdated. You literally have to run with time, just to stay in the same place with it; or else everything passes you by. And it’s hard to believe that being passed by is evolution and numinous progress. Because “progress” in essence simply implies a moving forward of some kind. And so if it requires you to run with time just to stay in the same place; it may require a little more “umph” and gusto to actually move forward at all.
How strange – or revealing – that the only things that are permanent and monolithic are man made mundane things. How ancient and “the same” has Egypt’s pyramids been. And how desperately “the same” many of us mundane humans force our religions, beliefs, worldviews, perspectives, and convictions to be across the centuries. Why, we even kill those who try to bring change haven’t we?
As time and Nature constantly changes and becomes new and different things symbiotically [co-evolution]; many of us mundane humans anchor ourselves inside mental traps of fixed dogma; fixed 2000 year old morals; fixed century old worldviews and cosmology. And we fallaciously tell our selves and our fellow mundanes how great we are and how much we understand reality, Nature, and the world. When in actuality, they have all long changed; having passed us by mired deep in our own delusions of secure permanence.
It seems as though only the Abstract “things” we humans make remain unchanged, whereas what is Numinous, what is Natural, what is Living changes. And we can’t seem to notice that when we hold onto something to keep it from changing, that friction and unrest arises. Such as when one generation holds onto a way of life and worldview, and the newer generations yearns and fights for change. Such as when regimes desperately hold onto the state as an unchanging eternal empire, which gives rise to unrest and civil war. Even when you chain down a naturally friendly dog in one place for all its life, do such dogs become restless and vicious beasts.
Have our cold, lifeless cities and dogmatic religions chained us down? And made us restless, vicious animals; not even caring or knowing our own blood and kin from a stranger? But instead of wanting Liberation, many of us ignorant humans only desire to sink deeper in our chains, deifying our mental disorder and neurosis. All the while our civilization and world slowly falls apart, and we have the nerve to ask ourselves “Why?”
Numinous Progression
I’m not saying that everything about “things” must change and completely alter. There is a difference between a forced mechanical change and the slow and beautiful change that happened in Nature and us. That slow and beautiful change of gradually leaving our childhood behind, and experiencing the first thoughts and feeling of a sexual nature. That slow and beautiful change that takes place, and the wordless knowing which arises when we frighteningly, excitingly, reluctantly, yet passionately give ourselves up to our first love. The slow and painful change – and the tearful wisdom which arises – when our heart is broken for the first time; when Life – through pathei mathos – teaches us our lessons. And what change is more illuminating, frightful, painful, and all-teaching, than the experience we have and shall all have of the death of a loved one?
I mean the gradual and numinous change of small tribes of Anglo-Saxons and Hans once living as feral tribes; gradually transforming into little cultures, into little kingdoms. Then numinously progressing over time – after much collective pathei mathos – into empires that dominate large portions of the planet. Into the Anglo-Saxons and Hans – and their descendents – that now walk the earth today, each with their distinct culture and civilizations, proudly fought and earned with long struggle and Learning From Adversity. How many cultures and civilizations in our human history have been devoured by time which were not able to keep up with the impermanent flow of Nature?
We often cry and whine – in falsetto, as if we really cared – about how unrighteous it is that Native Americans and Aborigines are near extinct because of some imperialism. Yet we never really have the nerve or honesty to ask ourselves if such peoples suffered their fate and wyrd because they were unable or unwilling to move forward with the numinous progression of that which we call Human Civilization. In the same sense that so many human cultures, and ancient religions have all gone extinct like the dinosaurs, giving way and rise to newer forms, which better inspires and influences the newly emerged generations.
And there are many of us so called “enlightened” ones who often pay much lip service to the evils of dogma and morals. Acting like paper heroes shaking a fist and raising a voice at impotent Christian morals and dogma. But that shallow paper heroism is exposed when a potent and deadly Islam warns you not to draw caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad on your ignorant cartoons. And just like a bitch that you mundanes are, you comply and censor your shit, and run off attacking something powerless. But you can draw Muhammad after behind the safety of Facebook can’t you, you fucking ball-less chicken shits. I hate hypocrites, but there is one thing I despise more and that’s an ignorant Pussy Hypocrite. You gutless bitches and your mundane Satanisms. With your fucked up intellectualizations about shit you have no numinous direct connection to or experience with. Just as long as you sound smarter than the dumb fuck next to you in that forum so you can “live up to” your grand titles you bequeath on yourselves.
They talk a lot about morals and dogma. But when someone comes along with a different belief and perspective, they sink into their ignorance and convictions never once realizing that their own conviction that they are so sure of is an emotive belief based on the fallacious assumption of permanence. They never realize that their very own convictions is a dogma, which they struggle to keep from changing. Have you ever noticed that in mundane Satanism? They bitch and whine about how they all need to liberate themselves from the restrictive morals and dogma of Christianity, but fail to realize that their very convictions and worldviews are dogma and doctrine, and their fucked up way they live life and how they act and function in society are moral “codings” [i.e.: programs] of behaviour. Fucking idiots. And just like the Christians they assume they hate, when you try to give these mundanes a different perspective they go into this quasi-attack mode, quasi-autoreindoctrination mode where they bitch at you and themselves to stay mired in their own morals and dogma. My essay started off nice and pleasant, and was starting to make some real sense, until I started talking about mundanes.
Aeonic Perspective
It’s a fancy term to describe the ability to perceive “thing” as they are Wholistically. That might not be a real word, but it just means Holistic in a Whole kind of way. But it’s a wholistic way of seeing and apprehending things across the factor of Time and also outside the factor of Time.
When you have developed Aeonic Perception and Insight, you are able to See the subtle changes in things, as well as the future wyrd and changes of things, then act and/or change yourself accordingly to maximize your full potential in tandem with the change and amorphous nature of Mother Nature and the Living Cosmos.
Without Aeonic Insight your eyes become prone to being fixated on and attached to the nearest visible thing: holding onto the nearest thing that makes since to you, that comforts you, that makes you feel secure, that makes you feel empowered like some Captain Satan superhero who understand the secrets of the universe.
And this is where conviction comes from. Conviction or a passionate fixation with a certain dogma or belief is not proactive understanding or wisdom, it is Reactive thinking born from emotional insecurity and fear. What do I mean? I mean if you were afraid of heights and you were on something high, you would React by holding onto the first stable things near you. I mean if you did not know how to swim and you dad throws you in the pool, instead of trying to learn how to swim you React out of fear by holding onto the edge of the pool. I mean if you are a girl [or maybe guy too] and your boyfriend tells you are worthless, and that nobody but he can put up with your shit, that you will React out of fear and hold onto him and that destructive relationship. That’s what I mean by Reactive thinking. You React to the change your feel intuitively around you by intellectually holding onto the nearest ideas that feel stable to you. It is not intelligence or proactive understanding. Without Aeonic Insight to see and feel the constant flux of change, you’ll hold onto convictions and anchor yourself.
What does the word Understanding mean? Understanding is inherently emic in value and quality. What do I mean by “emic?” I mean to know something not from reading or observing, but from being inside of something or from direct experience. Under-Stand; From “Antar/Inter” meaning “Between/Among/Amidst.” To Stand Among something. When you read your car manual you Know how a car works. When you Stand yourself Among car mechanics you Understand how a car is fixed. When you Understand the manner of how things work, you are Wise in that craft. Wise or Wis-dom has the secondary meaning of the Manner or Method in which things work: Other-Wise, as in “Another-Way.”
Just because you read a book about life, or because your beliefs or convictions make sense, does not mean that you Understand life, or are Wise in its Way and Nature. The Way of Nature is essentially change and numinous progression. Nature Flows, like a river. We need to put the books down, give the debates and forum discussions a rest, and Stand Inside that River to intimately feel its Flow. To discern the Manner and Method of Nature. This Understanding and Wisdom of Nature’s Way goes beyond belief and conviction. You can’t hold onto the side of that River [conviction]; you have to let go. It’s the only real way to develop the ability to feel Nature [Dark Empathy], see its wyrdful flow of change and time [Aeonic Insight], and to grow Wiser from the challenges and adversity it brings: Pathei-Mathos. It has nothing to do with reactionary thinking or emotive beliefs. It’s more primeval and wordless, because Nature has existed long before any human thought an idea or spoke a word.
The Numinous Quest
This dust-bunny thought which I tried to express in this essay is not spectacular if you read it. After all it’s just the ramblings of one Mind. But to this Mind which writes this, it is meaningful and insightful, because it grew gradually and numinously, until it became an Understanding and personal realization. It’s very sad that even still in today’s world which pays so much lip service to liberation and emancipation of all types, that a majority of us are still dependent on other people to formulate our thoughts and feed us our beliefs and worldviews.
Not too many Quest for a wordless Understanding of the Wise of Nature and Life towards Self Enlightenment. Not many of us have little dust-bunnies of thought in the back of our heads which we let sit to collect dusty ideas so they can ferment into a big personal realization of things.
It’s become easy for me to discern a person who has been spoon fed ideas and beliefs, from one who has walked a slow and lonely road to self understanding and understanding of life. One has ideas that many others share, expressed in common words and articulations. The other is often at a loss of words to express what they have seen and experience. And most often must create their own words to convey something wordless and primeval.
I once knew a family friend who was a self made millionaire who told me a story when I was younger and dumber. I had asked him why he knows all he does about business and making money, and what school he would suggest I go to. So he told me a story. One day he had lived on a tropical island and went diving in the sea to catch a colorful fish. When he found one he put the fish in a bag and drove his fish in his car to his house and placed it in a gold fish bowl. He then took his fish to work with him every day for a year. And one day after a year, he went back into the sea where he got the fish and returned the fish to his friends. He then asked me, if I were the fish, and I was removed from the little world I was in, and I had seen all these crazy things in the human world for a year, how would I explain what I experienced to my fish friends?
I thought about for a while with a confused look and said to him that I wouldn’t know how to tell the other fish what I had seen and experienced because those things don’t exist in the sea and the other fish never seen them to even understand if I told them. And our family friend said to me: “Exactly, you can’t teach a person how to be wealthy. It’s learned from experience, from trial, from error, it required determination, and it is born from the type of person we are inside already; and sometimes, it helps to have someone who has achieved wealth in life to give you a few pointers. No school or text book can give these things to you. You’d be wasting your money and time believing otherwise.”
What our family friend taught me that day is also applicable in all other areas of life, especially in the Quest for the Wealth of Wisdom and Understanding of Life and Nature. No religion, prophet, school, or book can enlighten you. It comes to those of us who have it in our inner nature already to aspire and acquire such through trial, error, direct experience, struggle, and determination. You have to keep running with Nature and Life with determination, just to stay up with it.
In this regard, I can honestly say that I really do admire and look up to somebody like David Myatt for his insights, creativity, and originality; and thus I also see much value in his Reichsfolk, Numinous Way, and ONA. Not as a guru or prophet or teach. But as an odd fish that has removed himself out of the matrix of what was once his little world. As on who has seen and experienced, and erred, and committed mistakes, and numinously learned, and gradually changed from them. As one who has achieved his own Self Enlightenment, Self Understanding, and Liberation, on his Life’s Quest. And this isn’t just empty opinions. It is one born from a personal experience of my walking that road less traveled. If Nature is in constant Change, then a genuine Son or Daughter of Mother Nature is inherently a Changeling.
Chloe 352
Order of Nine Angles
121 yf
